break

hey guys, sorry i havent quite visited anyone's blog in over a week or may be even two. well you guys know - super busy wrapping up school and projects and i have two lovely jobs.
i will not be blogging until end of school - another 2-3weeks and i probably wont be able to visit most of ure blogs. although, i will try --> gives me sanity once in a while to escape into someone else's world. anyways..
wish me luck...

solution

thank you everyone for ure HONEST input. honesty is basically the best policy in situations like such.
i was at a major shock when i did first hear and realize the depth of this situation. obviously i have given much much thought to it, and weighed in ure comments and thoughts, my friends who have observed us together and apart, and most importantly my feelings.

first i mostly wanna say thanks aditi - for standing by me for any decision i make. that means alot. i htink i was looking for verification mostly from YOU just in case i make a decision to give him a chance and go back to him. obviously ure approval and such means alot to me.

next i wanna thank vik for being very honest and very helpful and mostly rational. and checking up to see if i was ok =). this is one topic that drives alot of passion from those people that have burned before. if this was another person experiencing ths, i woulda said the same thing keshi said. thanks guys, its very important to sometimes just be the strong person and say HMM I DONT THINK SO. once a cheater, always a cheater is something ive believed strongly. its not only true for men, but also for women. thanks trinnie.. yes when u are under tha magical spell of love - things just happen to be different. thank you for ure rational comment as well...

i did weigh in all the BAD and all the good that was between us. i however, do not weigh in any of the religious problems between us while making this decision. i think the biggest thing is trying to make it work between us, cause yes that is a problem but not a problem in my decision. i believe that A PERSON IS GOOD, PPL ARE BAD.
so i will never generalize and say muslims this and that... being muslim is just a part of him, not all of him.

so whats my decision... lol i know ure dying to know.
here it goes:

i told him you cant just waltz back in my life and expect us to pick up where we left off. you made alot of mistakes, big mistakes that left me hurt alot. i was broken and i picked up the pieces of my heart that you broke. my friends and famliy helped me, but u didnt once think about me and my feelings when u make selfish decisions. i partly understand why u had to make those decisions, because if my dying dad asked me to marry someone - i dont know what i woulda done ... i dont know if i coulda disappointed my dad by saying no, its my life.
but, i also told him that i couldnt just plunge into something because i DO NOT TRUST HIM.
i also said that we could just be DISTANT friends like we are right now and keep it at that. i am not ready to have extra drama, extra baggage and extra anything. most of all that he cant just waltz in here expecting me to commit just cause im not dating anyone when he's made very selfish decisions.

i did say if he wishes he can try and earn my trust back, but that doesnt mean that i'll give him a chance. it also didnt mean that i'll wait for him or that i wont date anyone. i said it was my time to be selfish and my time to do whatever i wanted.
______________

it is pretty easy to give advice to someone on what the RIGHT thing to do is, because when watching from the outside in, the RIGHT thing is apparant. its obvious and its right there smacking in u in the face and u feel like that omg, how could u not see it. although, its very very very difficult being the person making that decision. it was hard for me not cause i cant live without him, its not that i wont be able to fall in love again or i wont find someone else or any of that stuff.

its that i can live without him, been doing it for over a year. i am happy with being single. i REALLY am. i am content in my life and its actually nice to not have drama. its that i wanted to live WITH HIM for soooooo long, that all those memories came back and that little hope of my dreams coming true came back as well. its that i am happy without him around and content, that when i was with him I WAS ALWAYS ECSTATIC. its that i wasnt just content, i was more than that.

yes i did make my decisions to inherently protect my self from getting hurt again and protect my self from him fucking up again and further hurting me. although, sometimes you cant just make decisions with ure BRAIN. so i left an open window for him to try make it up to me - to make sure i dont close anything. just in case. im a person who always hangs on WHAT IF'S.
i want to make sure i leave this open because two/three years down the road i dont want to sit here and wonder, what if. because that will stop me from liking someone else.

i also think whatever happens, happens for a reason. may be this is a test of my belief's... may be this is to show me how wrong he is, or how right he is. may be this is to let me know MOVE ON, or stay - i dont know... but in time we'll know. i also think that if two people are meant to be, they'll be together somehow .. someway.
so im gonna leave it as us being DISTANT friends.... i wont put my self in a situation where the direct result is GETTING HURT. if we're really meant to be together -- then u know what we may be or better yet may be i'll FIND SOMEONE EVEN MORE WONDERFUL AND BETTER ..... who knows.

so for now..... distant friends and thats it. oh yea what you mean by distant friends. it basically means that we speak to each other once or twice every season via email or something. calls are only made if ure dying or i guess having another annulment (bad joke .. hahha). oh and personal meetings are only when mutual friends invite us both to a b'day party or something like that. even then we barely speak to each other. just a quick clarification...

thank you SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH for ure honest opinions. i really do appreciate it.

torn

ok so omg.. listen up here.. if you dont already know or are still on the edge about my life being like a soap opera, this one here will definitely confirm it.
so my ex, u know the one from a year and half ago -- well before i continue with this, i have to do a quick recap
1. i was MADLY in love with him, wanted to marry him
2. we dated for almost 4 years..
2. he was the only that ever gave me butterflies every time he touched me -- even after all those years of dating him.. the butterflies were always there.
3. he did dump me, got engaged to some chick from saudi arabia within 2 months and married her soon there after

so we did manage to stay friends over this whole time, because he did rescue me from that fiasco in houston. flew me out, and paid for all the tickets and all. his wife has always been in a different country and him in a different country. he calls me the other day and says

NOW NOW.. BRACE URE SELVES....

"HEY, I DIVORCED MY WIFE, ACTUALLY ANNULED OUR NON-EXISTANT MARRIAGE." he continues to say that the marriage was only to please his parents and was only on paper. he never touched her, never slept in the same bed. i know for a fact that they were never even in the same country. he then says actually, they were only considered married in saudi arabia under the muslim religion, they weren't even legally married under the court."

and im like "hmmmmmmmmmmmm......."

and he says "i love you, always have loved you, i have never forgotten about you. im sorry i did this to you, but when u said no... blah blah blah".

well side bar real quick
we're both of two completely two different religions.. he's muslim and well im jain. his parents found out about us dating 4 months before we broke up. so ergo the "chat mangni, pat biha" thing (quick engagement and a hurried marriage). i knew all along that he was breaking up with me to marry her. he actually had asked to marry me the day we broke up - but i said NO. i wasnt ready for a marriage then. i mean i was just ending my first year of grad school. i didnt wanna tell my parents, figured they wouldnt approve of it either. i didnt wanna run away... and i was only 22. i didnt want a marriage so hurried and forced like that u know? so we broke up, and to please his parents he decided to marry HER, somone he saw the day he got married and somene he never saw again. weird huh?

right this second my heart is pounding.. pounding because one side its thinking hes back, my love, he's here.. omg he's here. the other side its thinking oh shit, he's here, i dont want him back, asshole, i said no and he runs away... blah blah

im fighting with my self the whole time he's telling me all this stuff. i just didnt know what to do..
i mean yea technically i count what he did as "cheating". even though he broke up with me.. he cheated me of the future i shoulda had with him... he went and married some stupid bimbo because she was muslim to please his parents. although, i did say no to him because i didnt wanna disappoint my parents, almost he same reason he married that bimbo.. so then arent we ALIKE? just two different ways...

its times like these i dont know what to do..

he wants to start being good friends and getting together again and he said.. eventually he'd like us to start dating and be together again. he already told his parents that he annuled that marriage for me, that he's in love with me and all... currently he's not on speaking terms with his parents.

should i be friends with him again? like really let him get close to me again??? should i give him a chance?? or should i just say NO and walk away. i havent dated a sole since i broke up with him, yea went on stupid dates here and there. no one got a second date from me but two people, and those two were forced second dates. i did madly love this guy and he's the only one that ever gave me butterflies..

i am HONESTLY asking for real advice here. so i dont know... what should i do? if i do seriously give this guy a chance, it would be FOREVER kinda chance. i dont think my parents would like it - actually i think they'd be super disappointed in me. but should i live for my parents? i mean he did - he went and married someone in a different country to keep them happy - he was miserable.

guys im super torn here..... i told him i needed time to think and time to figure somethings out. when we were together, we barely fought, he was my sanity and even after we broke up - he was there for me. i know im being redundant, and probably not making sense here. its hard to find a guy who loves you for you. he was one of those that thought i was pretty without make up and with morning breathe, horrible hungover and a mess of hair. hehe.. he was the only one who tolerated all my stupid temper tantrums - that even my family has a time dealing with.

but he did leave me. so i dont know.. i need a third rational party to tell me wats up. is it practical to go after love or should i just stay rational and logical and unforgiving. how big of a mistake is TOO big to forgive? is this TOO big?

sorry for the ramble

1-800-THE-POOJ

so i was thinking that one day when i have a clinic, what would i call it, what would it spell... what catchy # would i use as a marketing tool. i thought to me, and my self said 'hmmm THE POOJ' would be good. a number that spells THE POOJ. what might you ask that be..
well here's a website for your convienience. put a word and it'll tell u what the digits are for it. put in ure # and it'll tell u what it spells, if anything.

hahaha my cellie quite doesnt spell anything. its FUN. lol my ex introduced me to it, i used to text him from a # that spelled POO BEAR, cause thats what he called me. yea yea yea keep the aww's and the how cute.

so i was playing around on the website yesterday trying to see if THE POOJ is catchy enough or what else could i call it =)... something fun, check it out.

click me <--- here's the website!! have fun...

creative imagination???

ok this is definitely not one of those profound posts..
this is one of those AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH kinda posts...

first things first.. my 3 year research is due next week. now this is one of those pass or you cant graduate kind of things and the grading is pretty high here. so everyone is FREAKING OUT. im not one to FREAK OUT. im one of those that says "well 70 means you pass, and 90 means you pass"... i'll take the 70. after 3 years, i could care less about my grade, i just WANT OUT OF HERE. so yes my lovely group - full of the idiots that i cant deal with. one of them is who i call the head bitch, she acts like she's next the best thing that happened to this planet. according to her she's right after oxygen and water ....
so i write up my part of the analysis and send it to the group and she writes up her part. i looked at her part, and it was CLEARLY lacking ANALYSIS. it was just a list in bullets format. how do you not ANALYZE something when the assignment is called ANALYSIS????
so i emailed her and told her "hey, you might want to expand on the bullets, because its worth 70% of our grade, and the prof asked us not to use bullets. thanks".
she emails me back and says "sorry, but i didnt want to just bullshit like you did. i actually said what i had to say without just rambling on like you. i hope that at a grad school level we can be concise, brief and still get the point around in a professional manner. im sorry you dont seem to understand that. thank you"

NOW NOW NOW.. SAY WHAT BIATCH???

i decided to keep my cool. first of all im better than her and i wont stoop to her level. second of all im more mature than her and my graduation depends on this. i took couple of deep breathes and said forget it. later on in the week i had to meet with my group to finish some tings... and she kept saying "bullshit like we did before" "bullshit like that" "bullshit this and that"

so to keep my self from plunging at her and punching her until the word bullshit is erased from her memory, i had to use my imagination to keep sane. so i continued to imagine my self putting her in a HUGE ball like the hamsters have and rolling her down the highway and watching her roll around in that as cars pass her by. hahahaha... i also did imagine me putting her on a space ship and then one of those huge star trek things comes and blows her ship into little pieces and the pieces end up making the little star trek symbol. i even imagined that it was one of those WWF matches, LOL - i even used a chair. hahahahahaha

then i thought what could be worse than sitting in this meeting, something to cheer me up. lets see id rather be run over a snow plow repeatedly, id rather be projected off a ferris wheel into hot boiling pot of lava, or id rather have a bunch of ninja's kung fu kick my ass into space... etc

got me through the meeting without causing some permenant damage.. sometimes its just better to keep patient and calm. ALTHOUGH, it doesnt mean you cant IMAGINE things, what people dont see, people dont know. haha, whatever it takes to keep a cool front, cause thats what people see and thats what matters.

me time...

hmm ever feel like in this crazy schedule that we have, none of us get me time???
i mean even on a day off, those of us that are still in school, have homework, projects blah blah to do. for those that are still in school or working - there's always ERRANDS to run, laundry to do, cleaning the room - bathroom - kitchen - something always needs to be cleaned, bank, checks, payments -- if none of this - then the moron you finds the need to schedule time with friends. this involves entertaining, therefore more cleaning and definitely cooking and smashing all of the above in a smaller time frame to have a "fun" time later.

hahaha, ends up being WAY more hectic than you imagined and there it is, sunday night. your weekend flew by, you barely got any rest or got time to relax. you actually did more work than you would on a regular weekday and now you're more exhausted than you were on friday after work. AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO TOMORROW??

MORE WORK.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

lol it helps i promise. hahahaha.. so i ask you when was the last time you took out ME TIME. i mean serious ME TIME. take a long ass bath, or spend the day sleeping or giving ure self a nice mani/pedi, or read for all u people that like to waste all that eye energy. OH thats right, I WENT THERE. i hate reading.
whatever it is that you like to do for ME time --> when was the last time you got to do it??

as for me? the last time i took a bath was ages ago, last time i gave me a mani/pedi was seriously over 3 months ago, last time i spend a whole day sleeping was 6 weeks ago. last time i drew or did any art was 6 years ago (sad eh?). i used to draw all the time, it was my relaxing thing to do.

my life is soo bad right now, that even when i watch tv im doing busy work for school like polishing up a project, proof reading something, fixing my presentation etc.

TAKE SOME ME TIME before you're too burned out. its easy to get lost in a routine and not think about YOU AN YOUR SANITY.

spectrum of life

you know its soo timely that vik did his recent "famous" post on extra marital affairs. recently with unwelcome proposal from my first ex to have an "affair" with him before his marriage, my second ex married and ready to be divorced, my good friend marrying someone he's not madly in love with and my other friend marrying someone he's cheated on REPEATEDLY <-- with all of this madness i have some friends in relationships that are just not suitable.

then i have a friend whose having an affair with her married boss. uh oh!! something i dont approve of, but i see it, i hear of it. so its not that i've seen it only from one side, ive been on both sides. i know a friend whose divorcing her hubbie because he cheated, i know a friend cheating on someone's hubbie. i cant make decisions for people, so im certainly not the one to judge.
then i have a friend who think she's too good for all the guys, no one's quite good enough. the man she's in love with has kids and no marriage. i know a friend who doesnt do relationships - only one night stands. i know someone who knows that the guy she's with cheats on her repeatedly, but stays for the comfort, the label of having a bf, for that self esteem boost that someone "loves" her. i know a couple in a marriage, where the guy stays at work till 8pm so that he only has to see his wife for may an hour or so before he goes back to bed. he has a small TV at his desk at work, HE DOESNT COME HOME.

i see that all around me. i see this madness, this spectrum - everyone in different aspects of their lives. everyone wanting something, but are stuck in something else. especially all the ones that are married. every single of my friend that is married or on his/her way to marriage, was in a relationship that was dysfunctional (i.e cheating, fighting, abuse, disrespect or in love with someone else).
ALL OF THEM ENDED UP MARRYING THE OTHER BECAUSE THEY HOPED THINGS WILL WORK OUT. HOPPPEEDDDD

HOPE???? i dont mean to be a buzz kill but HOPE is not something you base ure WHOLE FUTURE ON. i know i know --- u gotta have hope. but COME ON!! what are the chances of something working out when ure entering it with so much negative. lets face life shall we??
lets all grow up and really WAKE THE FUCK UP. do you really think changing the TITLE will change ure relationship??
its still u, its still him - if it doesnt work at bf/gf - you HOPE it'll work with fiance added?? if it doesnt work as fiance - you really HOPE that it'll work with the added title of "husband and wife". ITS STILL THE SAME PPL - you and him. you should be able to make it work regardless of any title. hope - nothing to do with it.

personally - im not excited with where i am in the spectrum of my life, but im DAMN happy im not anywhere near these people. i would love to be in a relationship, but im happy im not in a bad one heading to a marriage or stuck in a bad marriage heading to disaster. so all you people whining about being single... STOP IT. be happy that u arent stuck in a bad relationship or marriage.
DONT SETTLE - why should u? not cause ure better, cause u and him deserve someone good and compatible. dont be in a relationship for SELF ESTEEM , make sure ure HAPPY WITH YOU BEFORE U ENTER ANY RELATIONSHIP.

if u wanna change you, CHANGE YOU FOR YOU, not for someone else. the spectrum of life isnt that good around me.

MY WHOLE POINT - its not that UNCOMMON for disasters that you see in the drastic indian tv series to happen. they happen in everyday life - such as the life of MOI. these are the adventures lived by other commoners in my life.

CHEATER...

recently ive started playing chess with one of my friends.... it took me a while to repolish my tactics. the first time i played was 3 months ago, and that was after almost a decade or so...

so there i was, warning my friend how i hadnt played in years and i kicked off the game. eventually came the time i had to move the "horse" thingie.. and there i went all proud of me cause i went in for a kill. my friend immediately loooks at me and YELLS " YOU CHEATER... did you really think u'd get that past me".

there i was honestly offended and completely SHOCKED.. i was outraged, i looked at him pissed off. i sat there justified my move and what not, we got into this huge thing. he went and said "i dont know where u learned to play chess, but thats cheating"...

then i thought to my self.. UH OH. i learned it from the BEST cheater in the world. lol... my grandpa...
i grew up playing chess with him, and well according him as long as the other person doesnt catch u cheating is ok. hahahaha... so he always moved the horse piece a certain way, and thats what i remembered. clearly, i never caught it -- hahaha.

he always cheated in rami, but i knew the rules from my grandma and my sister, so i'd catch him. he'd sneak in a card when i wasnt looking, he'd keep a card under his pillow. lol he even would use his "old age" as an example to get away. hahaha ..... although, it was so much fun to play bluff or char so bees (420) with him. we both made up our own rules as the game advanced to each's advantage.

i remember playing cards with him when i went back after finishing high school - he hid a whole deck under his sheets and blamed it on him being sick that it took forever for him to come up with cards. LOL... i sat there wondering how i lost 10 games in a row.

hehe... i did explain to my friend about how i learned chess and well he taught me the right way. although, im glad i learned it the other way and im glad i all those fun memories with my grandpa. i wouldnt trade it for anything.... may be he's the reason i have an VERY GOOD POKER FACE =)...and he is in my inspiration when i cheat at uno, so what i like to win *insert angelic face here*

its one thing to be a grown up and play with a kid, its another thing to be a grown up and play with a kid, and be on the kids level...

among all the things that october is, october is also the month my grandpa passed away 5 years ago.

october...

sooooo the new colors on my blog are in honor halloween. although the text is in pink because october is BREAST CANCER MONTH. october is also PHYSICAL THERAPY awareness month. go to
breast cancer
physical therapy
chicago marathon
october is also the month chicago holds the annual chicago MARATHON. the marathon consists of thousands of people from all over the world, mostly usa and africa and few other countries. the marathon is 26.2 miles, and a big mile stone towards progressing to the higher level marathon. you have to qualify within a certain time limit to go forward to the higher level. i volunteered on the medical team last year. it was a AWESOME experience and i wish i could do it again this year. its on OCTOBER 7TH, the marathon starts at 8am and ends around 3pm. please if ure in chicago, go downtown and just help out or go support the runners. it takes tremendous effort, motivation and determination to run this and accomplish this milestone. many of the runners are in the middle ages and or young children. they even have a special race for the disabled atheletes, who perform with great capacity. since your body is not designed to run without a stop for 6 hours at a time, it just collapses at the finish line. its fascinating how people finish this race, its not easy running for 26.2 miles. it takes my car 35-40 minutes at 45 mph to accomplish around 26 miles. imagine running it?
its just a different feeling to be around people who have accomplished something like this.. just fabulous to help out. for someone that knows how hard running is - my personal goal is to run 2 miles without stopping. (hahahaha i know its pathetic, but whatever) i really appreciate these runners. i did a post on it last year when i volunteered, sucks i cant reference it cause i shut down my old blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hahaha yes yes indeed all of you were right. chocolate is something i couldnt do without for TOO LONG. although if its worth anything its super hard to go without something thats in ure face at all times. i mean whats happened to our society even simple healthy foods have chocolate in it to make it taste better:
cereal - coco puffs, coco krispies and what not
granola bars - chocolate chips, heath bars, snickers power bars
cookies
ice cream - omg, alot of variety of chocolate ice cream..
cakes - so many different kinds..oh my
brownies
candy
trail mix - even that has chocolate
coffee - all GOOD tasting fraps and capachinos have mocha
hot chocolate
muffins - even muffins are made with chocolate chips -- that i actually dont like
bread
spreads like nutella
milk - chocolate milk or powders like ovaltine and bournvita
lets not forget all the different types of chocolate - omg kit kats, twix and what not. and my ultimate favorite is cadbury's fruit and nut (yummilicious)
smores

I MEAN this is just everyday things... so yes i slipped. but i mean it was hard to keep up, cause even if i go to study, i cant have coffee. i even bought chocolate coffee from folgers. what i told you i liked coffee and chocolate, its an awesome combination, smells like hot chocolate. its phenomenal actually. it was just too difficult, but well my goal is to lower the amount of chocolate intake.. although i did last a whole 2 weeks before my slips..

so ALL OF YOU ARE WINNERS AND EACH OF YOU HAVE ONE WISH... please make it reasonable. i'll try my best to make it come true ;)

ENJOY OCTOBER AND all things fabulous. in it.. more awareness posts will be coming.