open up...

first a little story:

so as we all gathered (my friends and I) to celebrate L's b'day yesterday. within a minute of her arriving her phone rang. couple of minutes after that phone call, her head started hurting and she started asking for medication. soon after she went to the bathroom... tied her hair up signaling she's getting hot/uncomfortable and doesnt feel good. she drank alot more water, was very quiet and it obviously accompanied by the "blah" facial expression. she had an answer for everything - why does ure head hurt? "oh i stayed out too late last night, i was out drinking with some friends.." it was a story that was well crafted with a legitimate answer for every Q. soon"L" excused her self and drove home saying that she felt like passing out and couldnt sit anymore.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS.. we have one for everything. she has one for being in an abusive relationship. ahh yes, we've all talked to her about it and she knows its bad, yet somehow she cant break the cycle. its a bad place to be when you are that emotionally unstable that you have to stay with someone just to feel secure. since we've talked to her about it, she's also forbidden to hang out with us. why? cause we're single girls luring her and filling ideas in her head about being "slutty and promiscuous" hahaha - or so her lovely bf says.

it was all fake. the phone call was from that asshole she calls "hunny". its not a physically abusive relationship - it definitely is a MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, which i see soon turning into physically abusive.

so i ask you - what do you use your defense mechanisms for and whatever you're using it for, is it worth defending???? wouldnt it just be easier if you let out and cry in front of someone, or if you told someone that one secret ure hiding or actually trusted someone again.

who am i to talk, i too have mastered my defenses. THATS WHEN I REALIZED - I DIDNT WANT TO END UP LIKE THAT. i know i have to trust another person SOON because well i cant go through my whole life in defense mode because of some asshole who fucked me up. so i start with you guys...

im still not really completely over what my friend did to me. it stilll hurts knowing someone for 5 years and then being left stranded in the middle of the night without an explanation when you exclusively go visit him. only 6 hours before i boarded my plane we were talking about hanging out and spending time together. when i landed he said he was his way - and never showed up and to till this day, he owes me a real explanation of why he did it and a real apology. it boggles my mind as to how someone can do that to someone they've known for so long.
because of him i am unable to trust people any more... and that well that sucks!!!
sadly i also know that demanding, asking and wanting answers doesnt mean i'll get them. so i just have to realize that sometimes people just do horrible things - well cause they are horrible people. THATS IT.. there's nothing more to it. its really that simple, as hard as it is for me to believe - it really is that simple.

i dont want to be pulling out weird defensive stories 5 years from now like my friend did. i dont want to be in that vicious cycle where im soo unstable i only feel secure about everything in life by being with a jerk who treats me like a door mat. its a twisted logic ... and sadly it happens all the time. i refuse to be a part of it...

so i start with you guys --- cause i dont want to end up like "L". so i hope you guys can start with someone somewhere too. i know everyone's been hurt - thats life.... soo

OPEN UP TO SOMEONE.. ANYONE. IT REALLY IS WORTH YOUR SANITY AND FEELS GOOD TO JUST GET IT OUT !!!

(hopefully it was a good post, thats what i tried to write up yesterday and it got deleted)